First blog post

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to feel suicidal but not want to die

to feel suicidal but not want to die

what does that mean?

well, have you ever woken up in the morning and not wanted to get out of bed? not just not wanted to get up out of that warm space where you feel some sort of comfort but never, you want to lay there and never have to get up, because once you get up you know you’ll feel numb, alone, surrounded by people who look at you and see their friend or their sister or brother but all you see is another person who has no idea you feel this way but whats more bizarre is you have no idea why you feel this way either, well you do sometimes but we’re get to that later. the thing is, you dont want to die, not at all, you know you’d miss loved ones or miss an opportunity you keep praying will come, but you do also want to die but not physically, more of a n emotional way, kill your mind maybe, kill the person who keeps telling you you’re not good enlightened or you shouldn’t eat breakfast today, that voice in fact being you. i mean should you, should you kill yourself and start again, what difference would that make? you’d still look the same, you would still be in that same position, waking up in that same bed and mentally preparing yourself the day ahead as the truth seeps in to remind you that you cannot just lay there and ignore your responsibilities. maybe you could change the way you think, kill the bad thoughts? or maybe you could learn to love yourself but i mean hay they don’t exactly offer that lesson at school and no one else will teach you so how do you learn? or maybe you can learn to accept that its always going to be this way, this endless cycle of wanting to end it all without ending it all? who knows but some days i feel this way and i still haven’t found a solution but i sure have learnt some things. coping mechanisms? ways to ignore it? ways to adjust to it? yes all that and some.

writers block

im usually daydreaming, usually planning all these great writing ideas. i even make notes, but as soon as i sit down at the desk with an empty page staring at me i completely go blank sometimes. sometimes i get distracted and sometimes its just not the write time to write but sometimes i have a ton of energy to write but i need that energy to come more often because writers block is no fun when you have deadlines.